This is not the attitude that helps to make strong societies and likely a symptom of being born in a city, living in cities in two different countries, and seasoned in cities and around city people, but I place extremely high value on my individualism, personal space, and ability to change living spaces, disappear, and cross lines I expect others not to cross.
Shitty, but true. Like I say, not an attitude that builds tightly-knit communities. Not an attitude that drives me to join, say, book clubs. You might know that I like books a lot. Never been in a book club.
Life is largely designed around getting people to join in on shit, to join shit, and in general to focus their lives on buying themselves a bunch of titles for their capital, of every description. I have resented it since kindergarten, like with fucking naptime. I have never been a sleepy person. I have taken about ten naps my entire life. I wasn't sleepy at fricking goddamn naptime and all I could do was stare at the turned-off flourescents, silently raging at being forced to endure this indignity just because, as I had been told when I asked why I had to sleep if I didn't want to sleep, it is time for the class to sleep, and you are part of the class, and so when the other kids sleep, you sleep, whether you want to or not.
Holy mother, being angry at that has taken up my entire life. That bullshit answer IS THE ENTIRE WORLD, EVERY HUMAN SYSTEM DREAMED UP SPECIFICALLY TO JERK YOUR CHAIN. It is my prerogative to stay the fuck awake, teacher! Fuck youuuuuuuuuuuu*
So I have never done very well in school, as an example, even though my nerditry is plain to all and sundry. The pile of blank government paper behind this laptop keeps growing. Stuff like that.
*
There have been many voluntary efforts. My mom has always pushed me into things and much though I may have resented and detested it, the main evolutionary objective of such mothering was achieved: I am not a sociopath, I care about people and believe in making good relations with the world, in the ethical nature of certain social obligations and social survival. Try to live by the golden rule as best one can and all.
Tried to be in the poetry community and burnt out, twice. Proud of some stuff I was able to accomplish which I would not have had the opportunity to do otherwise, like teaching, and it is important to do the work of letting people say words to each other in public for the stated purpose of making art out of those words, or at any rate, to have that work done. Had the opportunity to be fully responsible for such a space and fulfill such a duty and did it for a year. I'm glad I did it, but it fucking sucked. I tried to love it and that made me hate it so much more in the end.
The heart can't take forced love indefinitely. It is leave or die sometimes.
Also hung out with a lot of activists, a lot of folk punks, even lived in a hard-left co-op. The highly social nature of these experiences taught me a lot and I met a lot of people who affected my life very positively, but always at the individual level; in general I believe nothing could have soured me more on joining and community and basically life than running in those circles.
Been on sports teams, but as far as the team sports, by and large I loathed them. Football, lacrosse, waterpolo, track and field, all terrible experiences which I saw through to the end because I have a martyr complex and as every society in the world tries to hammer home, quitters don't prosper. Track and field, man. Track is already just a bunch of the worst ideas, and then, you add team members. Track is a circle of hell. Think about it for even a second, it's perfect.
At best I was able to endure some by focusing very hard on the positives. I had one good season of playing soccer in middle school, but that was after wrestling got me into real shape and after finally gaining a true grasp of the game at this intensive two-week soccer clinic my mom signed me and my brothers up for, both of which eluded me back in a childhood where the only thing ninety percent of the dudes around me cared about was soccer. Basketball is fun enough to get over how extremely teamy it is, though I always sucked hard at it. Middling defensive player, and that at my finest, most dazzling moments.
I like wrestling, and swimming, and singles tennis. And most of all, walking by myself.
*
Working with people to make money together is about the best I can do. It's not easy for any of us in any case, even if everybody really likes each other. I mean, it's work. But work is the one team effort and societal pillar I am one hundred percent into and about. Given my adult life to the service industry, stand by that decision, intend to keep right on working. I go way out of my way to be a good worker and a good co-worker. About it.
All this by way of saying that I cannot abide labels, boxes, card-carrying memberships, accreditations, ranks and titles, any of that ilk; any medals pinned to your chest, letters added to your name, or access and legitimacy based on gatekeeping and the consuming and parroting of ideology: I am not an anarchist or a fascist or an authoritarian a communist or a socialist or right or left or center or a "libertarian" or a humanist or an existentialist or a stoic or a pessimist or an optimist or a realist or a pragmatist or a futurist. I deny affiliation with any school, any body of thought, any political doctrine, any system of logic (although there is Wittgenstein. Hard act to follow.). It is all up in the air to me. I think lots of stuff in common with pretty much everything I have just mentioned and a lot more besides, but I disagree with all of it. None of that stuff works for me. I work out my own ethics best I can. I think out my own ideas best I can. I make my own choices best I can. That's all I can honestly say.
Not even a cook, which is my job. Strictly speaking, I am a kitchen worker, capable of much that a cook is but with only experience and skills to prove it.
Because of course there are labels I must accept and about which I have no choice, labels which are definitional and indivisible from myself.
*
Haha, it's not over yet, folks. Part two of this post comes tomorrow! And I will talk about myself still more! Trust me, I can do this for years. Strap in.
--JL
*yo, her name was Mrs. Applegate and she was a wonderful teacher. Props to that good lady.
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