#154

Had kind of a weird little breakdown on shift yesterday. My job is physically demanding and my schedule is not the most humane for me sleep-wise, on top of all the walking, and I worked an extra consecutive day this week because months ago I requested today and tomorrow off to go to Chicago for a specific reason. This I chose not to do. Wisely, for the schedule change destroyed me and if I had gone, it would have been taking my system past the red lines, on top of all the good personal reasons not to go. Buying the train tickets was a mistake made out of a desire to force the universe to comply with my selfishness in wishing to rectify past mistakes. Gotta catch these things if you can, master yourself before you do any damage.

They say not fixing a mistake is a second mistake. I consider most mistakes incomplete; trying to fix them usually finishes the job.

But yeah, I hit a kind of wall yesterday. It was embarrassing for me. For all the people around me might think to the contrary, because I go out of my way to act tireless and robustly sane, I am a basic regular human in a body with physical limits and a pretty weird headspace. The act is essential for everybody; it's a morale thing. Yesterday it broke down a little. I cooked well and sold food and did my job all the way, but the cracks in the armor showed and you know what, fuck it, so it fucking goes and fuck it all anyway. I deserve an ounce of fucking slack once or twice a fucking year. Can't believe I've put any energy into feeling bad about this.

Every day I take on psychic burdens and extra labor to make sure everyone around me feels safe and good and I'll be god damned if I let myself feel bad because my equipoise slipped some for a little bit one day.

*

Started reading some early essays of Derrida's today, which I haven't checked out before. Made me want to revisit Kierkegaard. So it begins.

Good. I need to lose myself in the hard shit.


--JL