#382

Dang, it takes so fuckin long to buy new window for your house. To even agree that you have bought it. It also costs enough that I seriously considered abandoning my entire life and everything I have ever believed myself to possess, that I might better imitate Christ the Messiah in all ways. Then windows would not be a complication or a sword of Damocles.

Decided not to, though. Decided to buy windows. Do the next guy a favor, I guess. Do my part for the environment?

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One of the things about me, which perhaps communicates a volume or two about how I think the world is-as-it-is and how the world would-if-it-could-be, is that every time I feel like doing that--rejecting the material, going full Siddhartha, man without a country, silent Wandering Age philosopher, etc.--and don't, I experience a keen and thorough sense of failure, to the point of unleavened guilt before the universe for going against my own good sense and the most powerful feeling about what is right that I know. This can be so painful it can make me want to die sometimes, but because my responsibilities and commitments are anchors in that sense--as well as the original reason I don't cut myself from the hated tethers of money and social obligations I consider unethical but if not met are punishable by state-sponsored violence--I am constitutionally unable to take my own life and have always energetically rejected the deed, though this has not made the feeling any less.

The only consolation I have learned is to reflect on the idea that the time is merely not yet ripe, and someday, I will be free of all tethers, whether the fulness of time sees me survive all that I owe my alleigance to, aged to perfection and free at last, or (also, eventually) because God will strike me down whenever in infinite wisdom and compassion so total I cannot comprehend it, except to say that the compassion of God is so total that God is me, and the time and place and way I die and under what conditions are correct, and nothing to actually worry about, even if it all hurts so bad and I don't fully understand anything. At least I can imitate Christ in that.

I could continue in this thought-braid for some time; it is a familiar one, as fending off self-destruction is something I have had to master since an early age. But you get the gist, and plus, everyone's need and cure is so different in this life. 

Factually Masculine 2024, folks.

Yeah, it's on topic. Look it up.

Plus, I mentioned a few dudes and kinds of dudes that are very different than the ones I've been mainly discussing. Perhaps something to note as we move forward into the future.

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Think I get to hit you with two more of these? I've run around behind the scenes here quite to no purpose. I forget to look. Well, we'll both find out eventually.

--JL