#306

Made mention yesterday of how yard work is perhaps not my preferred task; not really my thing. Did some yesterday and even more today, and this served as a reminder that often, at least when under your own steam as opposed to under coercion--and if one can do it under coercion, more power to one--the trick to activity is to just bear with it till the endorphins kick in and you can lose yourself in it, do philosophy, listen to the voice of God. This can take a lot of time, but I believe there's a knack for it one can foster and encourage within themselves. Some people are probably born with it, but growing up, I had to force myself to do anything I didn't immediately enjoy and demonstrate a talent for.

If you are like this yourself, I recommend sticking with stuff--the payoff's pretty good even if the thing is bullshit and doesn't really matter. One of the great significances of life is giving meaning of yourself to whatever lies before you. Also in raising your skill ceiling whenever possible, gaining cross-class skills, just generally increasing your capacity. There is joy in watching your own numbers go up before they inevitably roll back to zero. The question of where we put our points is the question of who we are as people, which, personally, is a vital question indeed.

*

Plip ploop! These posts sure are a lot of nothing. Well, I'm finding my way back to it. Though pointlessness is the name of this game, so, I really can't lose, except when I make a point, which is still an ironic win. Tasting nothing but pure victory, time after time, baby. Love it.

Will tomorrow be the day my words catch fire and I give this space something more real, brighter, harder, alive? Something to chew on and come into? Strap in. Maybe for nothing. Who knows! Uncertainty rules this chaotic existence with an wavering, unsteady scepter.

PEACE, MUTHAFUX

--JL

#305

Gotta chop some lawn. The city says so! Absolutely fucking hate that, but hate will not deter fees and civic action, so, gotta chop some lawn. Haven't had to deal with that need in some years, so my calluses ain't built, which is annoying. Don't make use of gas-powered implements, so things are harder and more time-consuming than they might otherwise be, but overall, this is worth it. Nice to burn calories and harden the body, nice to have a bit of relative quiet and more intentionality about the task. If I am personally swinging a tool and seeing and hearing and smelling the grass cut and fall without the interposition of a motor and fumes, I'm relatively happier, though I don't enjoy yard work all that much in any case.

Picked up a few books from a bookstore, which I haven't done in a long time. Money, you know. Still wasn't really trying to spend a lot of dough, but figured whatever, though. Whatever! I really fuckin wanted some new books that didn't come in the mail. The mail is nice, but it's not the same. So, books acquired since I mentioned it last:

Mail Books:

World Hidden in Plain Sight: The Evolving Idea of Complexity at the Santa Fe Institute, 1984-2019, ed. David C. Krakauer

History, Big History, & Metahistory, ed. David C. Krakauer, John Lewis Gaddis, Kenneth Pomeranz

Store Books: 

1Q84, Murakami Haruki

I and Thou, Martin Buber, transl. Walter Kaufmann

Musth, Ashwini Bhasi 

*

It's a very beautiful day. Beautiful enough to chop lawn without too much grousing about it. Think I'll do outside stuff now, and if I approach this keyboard again today, it will be to write in other text fields. However, I said I'd be here today yesterday, and I say today that I will be here tomorrow--praying that it is the start of a renewed period of productivity. The harrowing silence of non-production has been bothering my mind, and a stand must be took.

Peace, universal lovers

--JL

#304

We're going to blame the seeking of neurochemical stability and balance on the lack of posts and creative output in general. Guess also I should admit to myself that my office is not a super great place to write in yet, but making it better seems like too much hard work at a time when there's lots of other hard and necessary work to choose from and also I just want to chill a bit.

Back to to the brain chemistry: it's not strange being off everything, which is the strange part. I mean, because I'm the type of person who invests a lot of energy into the types and forms of bodily, psychic, and spiritual consumption they're undertaking in particular, I am concentrating on vitamin intake, nutritional supplements, and the timing of hydration and exercise with more zeal then when I smoked and drank--weed, tobacco; caffeine, alcohol. Once was a time I would eat a big spoonful of wheat germ for breakfast, have a small lunch at the Chinese place I worked at, and take the rest of my calories as brown liquor and foamy beers, smoking all the day and night. Occasionally, eggs, or a peanut butter sandwich. Didn't drink coffee back then. Started with the coffee in earnest when I quit drinking the first time. I would also drink cans of flavored sparkling water by the case, and smoke my cigs, though I'd left weed at that point as well. Even at points when I'd quit the rest, I'd stick with one; caffeine and nothing else at one point, weed and nothing else at another. But I haven't used nothing, nothing at all on the daily, since schoolboy days, basically.

Feeling fine, but at the same time, there are things I have to figure out how to do and carve the space for again. Writing is the main thing. A better chair, a lower desk, time, better organizing the writing space. In truth, I've done a great bulk of my writing recumbent, which is part of why my laptops tend to fall apart, but that's my most habitual zone. The most important ingredient will be time.

Truly, I am exhausted from merely this small effort. But I will nail myself to the duty of getting another one out tomorrow, The discipline must begin again. 

--JL