#182

In lieu of a post, today I offer you all this service offering I wrote to put on Craigslist. I guess it's still a post, just not the kind of post you're accustomed to. I mean, it's the post. I wrote this like I write a post.

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Need to avail yourself of the power of the written word, but have no interest in putting pen to paper? Or do you anguish to express yourself, but no matter how much graphite you wear down, how many keyboards you type to pieces, does what you hear in your head constantly elude you?

Hire me, and together we will give actual live birth to a piece of writing that will fill its lungs and literally scream into the world like a human baby, and be just as unique and special.

COMMISSIONS

Yeah, I can write copy. But what does anyone want with copy? In this bold new century, could we not at the very least have bold new boilerplate? I offer spicy super-copy, redolent with umami, heaped with mountains of sass and informed by volumes of wit, at a fraction of the price some buzzword kid with a computer watch and politely aggressive ideas about cross-spectrum language is apparently entitled to. I'm way cheaper and I don't screw around with synergy. My copy is rude. My copy is the business, it is the leetness, and it is the fabled magic bullet. As grand as the Taj Mahal or as understated as James Bond's shoe tread. My copy is whatever you need it to be and some stuff you didn't know you needed it to be. Get in on it.

Small, utilitarian pieces of writing; longer than a text, shorter than the average young adult novel. Letters, notes, reports, debriefings, condensations, summaries, essays, etc. For an agreed-upon fee, I can whip one of these and many more "words with real clear job to do" on deadline without breaking a sweat. These are available in "original" or "personality-style", depending on like whether it is your boss who needs good information in a clear and concise style or you need to very unmistakably communicate some stuff to a contractor or you need to describe something for your lawyer, or you simply want to let someone know how you really feel.

Ghostwriting! More boring than it sounds...or is it? Well, I can't promise to make it a trip to Disneyland, but I can promise you that if you have a book in your brain--whether it is about your own long and storied life, a novel you have playing in your head like a movie, or an exposition on the lies and hypocrisy of some industry you hate or shadow government cover-up--and you definitely don't want to write it yourself, given a reasonably worked out schedule and the adequate time and materials commitment we can bang that sucker out on a deadline. It will make you happy to see this thing become a reality, because I will do an excellent job.   

Translation is a possibility for me, if what you need is in Spanish and needs to be in English, or English and needs to be in Spanish, and if it won't take me a million years. Menus and other copy, essays, posts on the internet,  poetry, short fiction, legal papers and communiques, articles, stuff like that. 

Last, but truly in pride of place, original pieces. Do you require high-quality erotica tailored to your specific kinks? I have no judgment. Do the main characters need to be fictional characters, fleshed out as convincingly as they are in their source material? I can do this thing for you. Do you want a stirring speech? I can bring out a banger with potential jokes in the margins. A poem about a certain someone, or our mother planet for an Earth Day poster or children's play? Perhaps just a basic regular poem? A mural made of words, rap lyrics, screenplays, children's books, the correct words to tattoo across your forearm, articles, essays, fanfiction, comics, graphic novels, zines, criticism, stand-up comedy or other joke formats, and so on ad nauseum. Do you need a new format? I will sit down and I will invent one. This is not to brag. I will at least try.

The thing to remember is this: if you have a blank space that you need a writer to fill with words, then here is a writer with absolutely no fear of that blank space, and I will work until you think those words are the perfect words, as long as you don't want words to be boring (unless boring words are funny or so correct as to be unmodifiable in the furnished context).


DISCLAIMERS

*not going to help anyone write hate speech or an instrument of terror or coercion or anything like that. I just mean to encourage those who think their writing needs aren't worth hiring a writer over. 

**it is understood that a piece of writing may have varied effects and provoke unforeseen reactions when perceived by recipients intended and unintended. I guarantee clarity and I guarantee quality; I cannot guarantee effects of any kind, and am not responsible for unintended consequences brought on by the product of our agreements. Once a piece of writing is accepted by the client and services are paid for, what it accomplishes out in the world is outside of all human control.

***All prices and rates on discussed agreement, might ask for half up front on real labor-intensive jobs. No refunds! This ain't that kind of party. See above.

Thank you for reading. For samples of my work, see below.

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Except you can't! You're already here, which means you are also where the link to my books is. My purchasable, purchasable books.

Was this blog post a copout, or working smart? I absolutely do not care, had the same amount of fun either way.


--JL