#504

If I worked really hard at this, harder than before, I could hit one thousand posts in about three and a half years, optimistically. Daily posting, of course, would make it about a year and about a quarter, but that is less than realistic, probably. 

Well, time will tell us what it has in store for us day by day.

Day by day by grinding, painful, all-too-incremental and seemingly infinite day. Yet pass they do, vanishingly swift, irretrievable.

*

Spent most of the day before yesterday either pacing frantically or in bed, stark naked either way, thinking the worst thoughts my brain knows how to think. The fucked shit. The tentacular, overhwelming, viscous, poisonous demon shit you see surging and writhing against all that is good and true in this world, chewing and spewing and struggling like a diseased rat inside my skull. I guess before it got bad, I got the post written, which is something.

Very rare indeed that I would take a day to the backyard by the collar and part its body from its life to the hollow boom of a shotgun, but sometimes one is simply powerless to resist the full-body grip of the shadowself and must know the bitter, oily taste of pure defeat. My better angel beat a full retreat, and I had no stick with which to beat the devil down.

Today feels more natural, except I'm tired like I ran ten miles too far yesterday, instead of mostly lying down fitfully. Also residual thoughts and feelings from yesterday include visualizing the choking black soot that will coat this fully ruined planet like a grave shroud. 

As a fossil enthusiast, I do not mind this in the abstract, as I can better hope that whatever historians, scientists, and philosophers of whichever species might unearth this cursed and haunted strata may find me and use my bits to teach themselves something interesting about the past.

*

God, and learn. Pray that someone, anyone, sometime, on this blasted, accursed, beautiful and weary space rock, has learned anything. For example, in my self-inflicted total suffering, I learned something, or remembered it. Shall elaborate next post.

--JL