#267

Life is ever full of surprising blessings. Never would I have imagined that parting ways with a company over the ethics of my job the week of Christmas could be one of them, but it's such a classic trope that I find myself chuckling about it over and over. What a joke. 

Entirely my own decision anyway. Saw it as a definite probability when I took the job. That it should happen this week, under the circumstances that it had to happen under, is added layers to the joke of having to make so damn sure to myself of being right and doing the right thing that I would literally let myself be fired on purpose the week of Christmas just to prove a point. Just to be able to say that I tried everything and be honest. To prove I'm not a liar to liars to who do not give a fuck if I lie or tell the truth, I practically made them fire me, and they don't give a fuck Christmas or no Christmas and never have. Hilarious.

Anyway. Fuck all that nonsense. It's over. Kept my word and did what I thought and felt was right. If I feel like I could have or should have done more, that's my own weird brain problem. I went in at three in the morning at one point and stayed till three in the afternoon.

Last night I slept better than I have in months, maybe over a year. That shit was killing me, and only me. Let it be done.

For my part, I like Christmas and try to keep in my heart the year round. Happy to not be working this week. If the advantage of being an idiot is literally sleeping easier, I'll take it as a win.

*

Ok, so I wrote that first part six days ago, then shambled away from my monitor, loathing myself and the very concept of recording so-called human progress. 

Currently, today, the 27th of December, one full week after I lost my job, I am very close to doing the same thing, so that's that. Guess I'll bang out some sentences quick as I can while there's a degree of warmth in my blood.

Sleep continues to be better. I have typed that. It's sort of a sentence. Now I'm gonna take a shit, make more coffee, and smoke some weed. Maybe I'll finish this post after that.

*

Holy crap! It went just like I said it would. I took a shit and lived to type about it, which is great--you always hear and read about someone dying on the toilet because the process was in some way too much for their system that one time out of the many thousands, due to whatever circumstance. Every successful bowel movement is truly something to be grateful for. 

Christmas was pretty wonderful. Good to be with family. Good to have it be Christmas. I don't think so much about the birth of Christ as incident or general whatever come Christmas these days; I did as a child, of course, living in a culture that drilled the significance of the point home with a lot of emphasis--Christ was born. Later in the year, we discuss his death. Thus we remind you and give you to understand that all men live, and die, and in this particular case, live eternally after death, whatever that may be like, whatever that will be. 

What I think about these days is: there is birth, there is death, and there is Mystery, which our small lives witness and investigate but can never, individually, fully illuminate. In this dark universe, we all rely on light, which is what this celebration is all about; making a sacrifice of some kind to our hope that light will continue to shine. Light is God, and what is God in us is light. On this world of ours, we cast a light in the darkness, shining in our togetherness, in our apartness, in our joy and our despair. 

Been in something of a haze since being out of work. I felt extremely depressed about it, and everything. Feeling a little better, and this week I will try to get a job. Start with something I don't really care about, probably. Who knows, though.

Ok, I gotta make breakfast. Time to be done with this post and wait for the next one.

Peace on Earth, past Earth, beyond all limits

--JL