#40

Had quite a day with the old emotions. I almost began writing at various junctures, but held off. I am glad now, as I shall be able to write about it dispassionately, and using far fewer words than I would have otherwise. This is economical for both of us.

*

Was rendered helpless by a rapid onset of racking sobs and hot-teared, spit-dripping weeping. The trigger was innocuous enough, and let me tell you: the sun had not so much as risen! It was five-thirty in the damn morning. The family dog assuaged the deluge as a good companion ought.

Drowned myself in musical nostalgia with my CD case. This led to an absolute spate of emotions in a long gamut of textures, colors, hues, and temperatures. I sighed audibly, and also laughed aloud several times. Eventually, listening to an album one of my exes recorded about six years ago drove me to a paroxysm of crying that dwarfed the last one. I ended up in a legitimate puddle on the floor, left knee drawn up to my runny nose, strengthless hands palms to heaven near my face, sleeves soaked, lap roped and strung with saliva and spattered with tears. The dog was nowhere to be found, this time. Poor animal, came the bleared thought, locked in here with a crazy person.

A little while after that I was watching the Disney Channel, and then Cartoon Network, laughing aloud and often, sometimes hard enough to double me over or cause me to lean against something and really shut my eyes quite tightly. I love cartoons, love animation. Caught some real good action today. Gravity Falls and Hotel Transylvania and The Amazing World of Gumball and Craig of the Creek. Each brought strong game.

Walking the dog for the final time, as the light became slanted and a brighter gold than any earthly metal or alloy, I found that smooth purity of thought that comes with being under a bright sky, breathing a clean cold breeze, all the clouds flaring bright peach and cream, deepening and burnishing against late afternoon's last powerful upthrust of bright blue before the pale wash of the first gloaming. A fresh, clean expanse of unmarked silver water, reflecting quiet. I just breathed, and thought, and then came home.

*

It's hard to stay alive, but you gotta do your best. Feel your way through it.

The sun is setting now. Tonight I shall watch a movie.

--JL