#490

Wow man. Even in the understanding that life is a saga and every day it adds to itself another entire page full of interminable details, each one advancing the plot equally--life comes at you fast. 

My little sister lived for all of forty-seven seconds. Suppose I misremember the precise amount of them. Confident that it was less than a minute.

Confident it was fewer seconds than I got.

This has always seemed like a fully insane juxtaposition, and it has only grown more maddening with the passing of the years. A burden. In manifold ways. That void, which should have been occupied. That silence wherein a voice should have sounded.

But there are no should haves. Only what is. 

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Wow man. What the fuck makes me bring that up? Have I ever? Might suppose it's something the average reader deserves to know about me, maybe, before I hit 500 posts and/or stop forever. It's also something they will get to know about my whole family, but them's the fuckin breaks, I guess. My family is by no means unique in this experience.

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The real "wow man" is that I lost my job, so I don't have a job again. Feels bad actually. I don't like that this has happened, or that I am in this situation.

b U t  T h E m ' S  t H e  F u C k I n   B r E a K s and plus it is my own fault. Couldn't hold it together. Had to quit, no fallback no plan. It's just me. It's how I can be, when I am how I am.

One for the "FIAL" column.

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Guess what makes me bring it up is kind of this feeling like staring down the barrel of a gun. This feeling, one of utter finality, brings about a certain feeling of closeness with my sister. What can be fucking said about that, eh?

Fuck-all. 

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But. It is only a feeling, despite its many reasonable foundations. 

For now, I am alive, and there is hope. There is still a lot of life to live, if I can keep getting just through this next day, as I have scraped along thus far.

And been grateful. Been joyful. Made sure it was worth it. 

There is at least that.

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Maybe now is the time to start a youtube channel. Or a fight club. Or foster at-risk teens. Or found an academy modeled after the pursuit of Hesse's Glass Bead Game from Magister Ludi, or, The Glass Bead Game.

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Or claim myself as a religion and that my religion demands that I stay on my own property five days out of the week, and that Jesus demands that I read and produce words and take images in through the eyes as well as craft my own, as a form of universe-sustaining worship twelve hours five days a week and three hours the other two--one of His Didactic Instruments, and a busy one at that!

You see, I have noticed how even far more immoderate ideas than that get people tax-exempt status and all sorts of other goodies. Maybe it is time to leverage this prodoundly idiotic system for my own tiny benefit. 

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Probably not, but maybe? It kind of seems like a time in American history where maybe it's fair to try any number of new things and hope you don't get fucking murdered.

Peace, Love, Try Not to Die

--JL