#320

Hey! New computer. Typing has slowed considerably for the nonce, but the keyboard is...luxurious. I'm luxuriating. Feeling pretty fucking luxuriated. Luxuriant. Nothing so grand as a custom clicky-clacky or one of those, I dunno, two hundred-and-fifty-dollar jobs you can buy, but for the keyboard that comes integrated into a laptop, at these prices, there is a deal of pleasure. 

Indeed, my old Toshiba finally broke, pretty bad, I think. All the way, probably. Is it pretty bad and an all the way break when the computer consistently fails to find a bootable disc? It seems bad, when that is happening, and restarts are no avail. Cracked it open to look at its guts and everything but couldn't find the problem. Originally, my plan was to continue to try and fix it, perhaps getting used to the idea of using the computer lab at the community college a lot more than I would prefer, but when I mentioned it to my parents they ordered me this laptop (a Dell Inspiron, as befits a house of noble rank) on the spot. They seem pleased that I've returned to school. I may have to get a master's degree.

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Haven't talked about the world and its affairs in a little bit. I'll do a bit of dabble.

Number one: don't like the idea of this trillion-dollar coin. It's not that it wouldn't work, technically; it's that it would work in a stupid way and do a lot of damage, not the least of which would be making us look like a bunch of fucking assholes. My opinion, minting that coin is admitting, once and for all, that we as a nation are ready for someone else to take the wheel. We need to scratch our butts and be on our phone in the backseat for a few hours. Nap might hit the spot. And this would be ok, except the domestic implications would be considerably worse, which combined with reduced global standing usually means a spiraling effect. 

Well, maybe that's the long game with the Ukrainian invasion and Russian plants all over the government. Fuck up economies so bad California and Texas finally secede and a bunch of land has to get sold to corporations or NGO's or even foreign governments on top of that. I for one have never stopped thinking about certain papers detailing soft power tactics and their strategic implications, many of which have borne fruit long since ripened and picked.

Number two: there's no number two. Gone and bummed myself out. This is why I don't do this kind of thing very often. It's not that the big picture affects me emotionally; it saddens me on a personal level that people are so manipulable as to let this happen. This isn't tanks advancing on your condo complex; what the fuck you gonna do, you know? This is literally letting yourself get gamed into opening the door to the man with the rifle and thanking him for the privilege. This is letting yourself be cozened into thinking that sitting on your ass and tweeting about nothing is the same as a revolution, the really good one this time. 

Yeah. Who cares, though? Ultimately, things are what they are, eventually fail, and make way for the new. Plus, I haven't had any coffee yet. Probably I'm being ridiculous and everything will come up roses. We are in the palm of God's hand, after all. Greatest country on the planet, hoo-rah. Which reminds me, hope a big chunk of all this gets carved out for First Nations when it all comes crashing down and subdivides.

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Dang, gotta do better than that for the first post on the new machine! Let's see, what's good? What's fun?

Several nights ago I dreamed about my ex-fiancée for the first time since we stopped being in each other's lives. Over the years I have many times thought it strange that I never once dreamed about her, and then that night, bam. One dream followed the next; intense, vivid, huge dreams, with dense plots and extremely realized settings. I would wake up from one, go back to sleep, and enter the next, and she would be there. 

Returning to school has proven to be a kind of revelation, psychologically; what once was so hard for me on a personal level is now easier and more straightforward than a walk in an extremely basic, flat, one-path park, and I'm laughing about it. Certainly this has brought about much reflection on who I used to be, what my hangups were, and how I have come to grow out of them and heal. As one breakthrough tends to set off another and this kind of processing can unlock stuff, on the balance it shouldn't surprise me that I dreamed of her as if making up for lost time. 

On the day that I woke up from those dreams, I went on a small adventure to see if I could reconnect with certain parental elements from halcyon days gone by. Encountered only marginal success, but it was a positive experience, nonetheless. Got me out of the house, anyway. Be trying again on different fronts soon. It's a new decade, both in lived time and the days of the world. Back in school, married, dreaming...can't remember to what extent I discussed it on here, but I was smoking and ingesting so much weed that I wasn't hardly dreaming anymore. Now I dream every night, practically, as once I did in the days of my vibrant, suffering youth. Man, when I was a teenager, I had like four nightmares a week at least. How did I survive?

At any rate, I am a new man, and a new man cleans out his closet, and pays close, careful attention to his dreams. This one does, anyhow.

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At my parent's house right now, watching the family dog while they get in a bit of a travel for their anniversary. This post has been interrupted twice on two separate days, so even though I find it most wanting, we shall part ways for the moment here, dear reader, and try to have a better post next time.

Be well. Keep your secrets and your safety and rise one day triumphant and eternal.

--JL