#216

Tequila was my first drink, in cautious nips from the freezer after I got home from middle school. Merely exploratory, almost scientific. What is this magic substance truly about, which stays liquid while the water around has assumed solidity? Why is this beverage such a titan to all peoples, and in so many forms? I believe the only things more culturally omnipresent than alcohol are adultery and shame.

Rum came next, and I got my first really unhinged vomitous drunk off rum. I was never able to enjoy rum again after that, but I fuckin loved rum, people. As a teenager, I loved rum. It had a non-trivial amount to do with the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. At this late date, I can admit it had a lot to do with Jack Sparrow. It's always kind of embarrassing for a dude to a admit that he does something because another dude does it--that one imitated, at least, stylistically. We are proud to emulate what we tout as the good qualities of our available examples, things we think other dudes should emulate too. We are more reticent about why we wear our hat at quite that angle, with quite that feather tucked into the band, because we don't necessarily want other dudes to do it--I stole this for myself, motherfucker. I wear black leather because of Ian Malcolm in Jurassic Park, and smile lopsided because of Han Solo. This is less, say, defensible, though I wouldn't bother defending myself, than wishing to face death in like spirit to that of Seneca, to gain a power over one's own culture like to that of a Goethe or Da Vinci, or engage in the imitation of Christ. 

Christ preferred wine. It took me awhile to get to wine, even though my parents let me have a little sometimes, like parents do. Wine's alright. I'm more James May than Oz Clarke, at least in this matter.

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When all is said and done, the chips are counted and the vessels filled, I'm a whiskey and beer man. As much gin as I drank up, as much as I also liked and appreciated vodka, the bulk prize of my drinking goes to the sixpack and the pint of scotch--or the case and the fifth, depending on how bad it was, this need to fill myself with a roaring drunkenness, and think the thoughts and feel the feelings that rose screaming from that storm like demon birds. Killed my first fifth in high school and I didn't stop until I stopped. Didn't always kill a fifth, or down a whole case, but I always knew how. I say scotch 'cause it's the best, but any strong brown liquor in that family would do me fine at any time. 

See how I talk about it? The vodka and rum and all that other nonsense is a vague memory, fine and all, but my mouth is fucking full of saliva right now thinking about a deep rich bottle of Tennessee devilry. Fuck me running, man.

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Drunk plenty at bars and parties, plenty while out and about, trespassing and hell-raising, but for the most part, sitting at a kitchen table, or in a backyard, or a basement. Usually with a couple people, but alone a great deal, alone quite enough to be getting along with.

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One thing about The Rock--the only truly phenomenal Michael Bay picture--is Sean Connery's line about trying your best. I think you should always try your best, but it's even better to just fucking gut up and win, to do and not try, and this line has a great way of putting it out; less direct but more flavorful than Yoda: 

"Your best? Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen."

I don't know from prom queens, I'm not that kind of dude--I may have fucked one or two, but I'm not a prom king, is the point, and it didn't factor into my decisions--but this statement,  borne in mind, has sure as shit been goddamn useful. 

This attitude is key if you want to not drink and keep not drinking. I can't afford to be fucking around with my shitty little best. I don't fucking drink because I just fucking don't, and I won't. I go home, and engage in all manner of unmentionable activities.

Also God is with me. That is good, and frightening. 

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All right, fuckers, I'm out. Tired. Work has been pissing me off so fucking much lately. I've wanted a drink and a cig like mad, that wanting that is the actual closest thing to the physical sensation of thirst. What a knocked-ass fuck of a life. You can't stop kids from drinking and smoking, and you usually make things worse when you try, but shit hell and god damn do I understand the impulse. 

This post has been a prelude to a drinking story. The kind of drinking story that turns into a few drinking stories? Yes. That's my basic plan. That's what I set out to do, and I did. 

Already home, and not a prom queen in sight! Well, I guess I'll just read a book and go to bed.


--JL